Sunday, March 28, 2010

Amendments To The Bro Code


For Those of you who don’t know, The Bro Code is not only something that should be considered, unspoken gospel between guys, Fraternity Brothers, young men and or single older men, it is… (Wait for it) … A book.

Yes, a book.

Published on October 14th, 2008 by Fireside Publishing, it is paperback, 208 pages in length, the isbn# is 143911000X (isbn13: 9781439110003) and the Description goes as follows:

“Everyone's life is governed by an internal code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. But Bros in the know call this holy grail: the Bro Code. Historically, a spoken tradition passed from one generation to the next, the official code of conduct for Bros appears here in its published form for the first time ever. By upholding the tenets of this sacred and legendary document, any dude can learn to achieve Bro-dom.”

It is by Barney Stinson

Yes. That Barney Stinson…

AKA Neil Patrick Harris of “How I Met Your Mother” fame. You can catch this show weekly on your local CBS network.

Before I go any further, let me just say; I am a fan of this book and of the television show. The show being a guilty pleasure, the book being a much needed guide for you young men. (I'm not saying it's right, but at least it's a start.)

That said, I must offer amendments to the book of "Bro Codes".

These amendments are for those of us who are either married or over forty. Why you ask? Easy. If you are married there are some Bro Codes that simply no longer apply and if you're over fourty and still follow the Bro Codes, Dude, you really need to figure your shit out.  For instance,

Article 1: Bros before Hoes…

The Bad Man thinks like this, “Once you’re married, it’s wifey first”. Otherwise you have screwed up your marriage right off the bat. (See my blogs re: Jesse James & Tiger Woods)

Single Bad Men, if you are over 40 and still follow this rule, then you are most likely in prison because you have no real life. (Of course there are the rare exceptions... Monks, martial arts masters and George Clooney)

There are 150 articles (rules) in the Bro Code. I will only amend the ones that apply to married men and those of us over 40 years of age. And being that there are 150, I will only do 10 at a time. The reason being that the attention span of any Bad Man will not allow anything over 10 of anything unless it is money… With money involved, The Bad Man becomes infinitely limitless.

Article 1: Bro's before Ho's
(Not to repeat myself, but this must be repeated…)

Married men, it’s wifey first. Otherwise you have screwed up your marriage right off the bat and you are a dumbass.

-If you are single and over 40 and still follow this rule, then you are most likely in prison because you have no real life. (Of course there are the rare exceptions... Monks, martial arts masters and George Clooney)

Article 2: A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are doing it.

Married men, if your associates (your Bros) are doing something stupid, you must immediately leave and get the details another time over drinks at the nearest dive bar.
And, while you are allowed to live vicariously through your associates, you cannot wish it were you.

-If you are single and over 40 and your comrade’s (boys) are doing something stupid, you are only entitled watch and in some cases work the video camera.
Physical contact equates to you being a “Dirty Old Man”, being guilty and in certain situations the unwanted presents of leftover DNA evidence. Don't trip.

Article 3: If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown

No Doubt. Just plain true.

Article 4: A Bro never divulges the Bro Code to a woman. It is a scared document not to be shared with chicks for any not even that reason.  Done and done.

When pressured to give up the info, just smile and keep your trap shut! The penalty is loosing your Bro card and forever being recognized as a "Douche". Just nut up and shut up.

(Note from book not The Bad Man)
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is-a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe, or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. * ps. Those boots are adorable…

*Psst - guys I put this in really small type at the bottom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above note -the Bro Code is definitely NOT a piece of fiction. I was simply lying to uphold this very article.

Article 5: Whether he cares about sports or not… A Bro cares about sports.

Bad Men don’t hang with anyone who doesn’t care about sports. The amendment would be that you don’t either. If someone thinks ESPN is knowing shit before shit happens, you must abort the acquaintance. Stat.

Article 6: A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room

Agreed. Lollygagging makes things award for all and only leads to you being the brunt of lil’ dick jokes. Not lollygagging means you know, “ It’s not the wand, it’s the magician”… Even if you do have “a lil’ dick.”

Article 7: A Bro never admits he can't drive stick. Even after an accident.

Please, for the sake of all men everywhere, also know how to change a tire and jump start your ride.

Article 8: A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

What are those?

Article 9: Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimmee three!" or "Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball". Its still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls...metaphorically speaking of course.

Bad Men will never act like assholes. We will, however, defend those less fortunate by putting our foot up in one when necessary.

Article 10. A bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his bro dump a chick. It’s normal for a bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to hook up with her friends. This is when a bro most needs his bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful or even time- consuming. How to dump a chick in 6 words or less...

- “Maybe try a side salad instead." 

- “Cute!! You ‘re growing a moustache too!!" 

- “She looks like a younger you!!" 

- “I will finance a boob job." 

- “Sorry I threw your shoes out." 

- “Your sister let me do that!!"

Bad Men will completely be there to aid in “Bad Relationship Jail Breaks”.
And will use lines like:

“Your last chick was hotter.”
“You get what you settle for.”
And looking her over once, just say, “Really?"

To name a few things that one may want to add to the short list of things to say that will inspire a quick parting of ways...

That does it for Bro Code Amendments 1-10. The rest will follow in due time. Till then...

Good luck,

The Bad Man.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Why Be Mad at Jesse James...

I really want to be mad at you Jesse, but I liken you to the killer whale that killed its trainer… You are who you are. You do what you do. It’s your nature.

"There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way"

– Jesse James

Now, that is truly lame. It wasn’t poor judgment, you just went back to you roots son.
You’ve probably been banging overly inked chicks for the better of your life. C’mon, you worked security for a major rock band… say, “back stage pass”… We know what some girls will do to get one… Basically, you’re just a mechanic. What kind of pictures hung on your bathroom walls before Sandy came around?

Poor judgment was not your problem, being out of you element…  

Wearing suits, Black Tie events, being with a woman that out classed you 
as if you were (are) a jackass racing Sea Biscuit in the Kentucky Derby. 
But here’s the rub… It’s not all you bro. 
I believe that Sandy had to have a thing for bad boys… 
And who’s badder than Jesse James? A scruffy, tatted up, biker,
who just reeks of badness 
and Sandy, the sweet and lovable Queen of Romantic Comedy. 
Oh! How opposites attract!
So yeah, Jesse, I can say I get it. I can also say you‘re still an idiot. Dude, when you are lucky enough to get to the top, fortunate enough to (finally) pull a family together and successful enough to enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard for…

 (Let me say this you so don’t misunderstand.)

You don’t throw it away by fucking a skanky ass bitch that has her entire forehead tattooed!!

Bro. I hope you did it in the dark, I mean how do you look at that say, “Oh baby, you’re so much hotter than my wife.” Hell, how do you look at that at all, when you’re married to Sandra Bullock?

Now, Jesse, remember I’m not mad at you. I’m just telling you the straight up truth.  Sandy, to you, I say, “Don’t hate the player. Hate the game”. He was with a tatted up porn star when you met him. He’ll be with a tatted up porn star when leave him. And you should leave him.

Love. This shit hurts. It’s the worst pain on earth. I’d rather have bamboo reeds shoved under my fingernails, at least that can heal. A broken heart and utter betrayal… there’s nothing worse. Nothing. Babygirl, you knew he was bad. Your mistake was thinking you could change him.


That’s what it says on the original Jesse James’s tombstone and that’s why I won’t even mention Skankity’s name. The stalker-ass-ho said she didn’t know you were married Jesse. Wow!! God, I hope it was dark when you were banging her.

Bottom line time Jesse James.  Ready?

You had it all and went from hero to zero. Yet it isn’t over Jesse James!  You do have one thing left… And if you fuck this up, then there will be absolutely no way back for you Jesse.

No matter what type of husband (or not) that you may be, you are and will always be, a father. This is what you have that will save your soul Jesse.

Children. Children you have to see grow into adults. Kids that no matter what will love you and need you to be strong for them, now and forever. Unfortunately, you don’t have time to regret. You can’t go away and let it pass. You have got to be Dad. Period. Those kids (while close to her heart) are not Sandy’s problem. They are yours. In being Dad, just know that everything you do, affects them. So now, this shit is no longer about you. You lost. Now, do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t take them down with you.

Your days as the bad boy are over. Your days as a good man, never got started… Your days as dad, well those never end.

Please Jesse, I ask you for all fathers, all over the world… Don’t fuck this up. Too many of us go through hell just trying to get to where you were.

One last thought. 

Next time you get an itch… use your hand.

Good luck.

The Bad Man

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Regarding Tiger Woods

If think you know all about Eldrick (Tiger) Woods, now 34 years of age, please, get a life. At 34 years old, Tiger doesn’t (nor does any other man) know himself… Yet. Sure, he’s won 95 tournaments, 71 of those on the PGA Tour. Yes, Tiger also was the youngest Masters champion ever, at 21 years, three months and 14 days and, of course, was the first major championship winner of African or Asian heritage.

Have you ever seen Tiger’s “Redonkulous List of Accomplishments” since age 2? Here’s the link, I personally don’t want to type that much….

Tiger Woods record career money total on the PGA Tour: $92,862,539, through 2009. Call it: $111,433,044 if you want to go worldwide. (Why do I keep hearing, “Eddie!!… I want half, Eddie!!)
Follow me for a second, 30 is the new 20. That would make Tiger 23 years old when he was living the dream. (That’s right I said it.)
I wish to God that I could have been his big brother, or his bad Uncle, or any other male role model that should have told him “The Man Rules” or “Bro Code” that most young men never get to hear. 

Like the Story of the Old Bull and the Young Bull...
One of many being, “Don’t get married before your 36th birthday”. Period.
When you are young, rich, and famous, you are basically lost. What the hell do you know, other than, you are young, rich, and famous? Nothing. Everyone tells you where to go, what to do, how you are supposed to act… You are forced to choose a side. Role model (for kids and endorsements) or Rebel (Say hello to the bad guy, not to mention TMZ.)
At the age of 33, when the shit hit the fan for Tiger, he was doing what any 33 year old would be doing. Add crazy money and world famous to the mix and nothing good will come of this… If you’re a “Role Model”.

The number of girls would be considered cool.
(Better yet, AWSOME!) 
You’d be considered for titles such as, 
“Most Eligible Bachelor” 
“Playgirl Centerfold” 
“Most Interesting Man In The World!”

On the other hand if you’re not a “Role Model”, you are supposed to live the dream and you are supposed “Make It Rain” wherever you go!!
Fact is: Tiger Woods has remade the game of Golf and everyone in it, from equipment, to apparel, to video games. Every pro golfer can and will make more money now because of Tiger Woods.
So… What did we learn from Tiger?
A. Don’t get married before your 36th birthday
B. Choose “Rebel” over “Role Model”
We are all Human, none of us without fault of one kind or another and at next month's Masters Tournament, April 8 to 11, I’m sure that Tiger will be greeted with open arms. Tiger Woods will again be a media sensation and the world of Golf will take center stage over all other things.

Tiger Woods, remember these words: "When you are on the golf course, you're the boss.

That’s what your Dad, Earl Woods said to you and that’s the bottom line.

Good luck.

The Bad Man