Thursday, December 20, 2012

Happy Motherfucking Christmas

 'Twas the night before Christmas...

Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the fucking whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"-- this bullshit I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money. (Suck it.)
The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and banged all the maids.
Donner is pregnant (again) and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better...

Those Fucktards from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that shit ain't funny
Who the fuck ever sent Santa any gotdamn money?
And the kids these days--they're all the pits
They want the impossible.
Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons, trains and sleds
Assembling dolls... arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo's... But no request for them,
Kids want computers and robots...Like I'm fucking IBM!

So' I'm Flying through the air... I'm dodging the trees
I'm falling down chimneys and fucking up my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

If there's no Christmas next year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. 

I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Happy Gotdamn Holidays!
The BadMan

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Countdown to Armageddon... Last Call revisited

Planet Earth!!! 
Last Call!

So.... now I'm thinking "End of Days" shit...

Like to hear it?
Here it go...

The Apocalypse
 Apparently, these four dudes on horses are gonna fuck us up.

 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

First Horseman - White Horse
First Seal = False Peace/False Religion/False Messiah

Second Horseman - Red Horse
Second Seal = War! War! War!

Third Horseman - Black Horse
Third Seal = Famine

Fourth Horseman - Pale Horse
Fourth Seal = Disease

The First Horseman
First Seal - Pestilence 

""I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest.""

O...KAY.... So this guy is not American. We don't fight with bows or wear crowns.

As far as "Conquest" goes, American people don't want to rule the world.  We want everybody to stop fucking around and start working together to better the planet.

That is the true opinion of "America's People" and I hope of other people around the world.

The opinion of the Government and World Leaders? Let's just say they don't really give a flying fuck about the people... US.  - "Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest."

Second Horseman
Second Seal - War
Red Horse

"When the Lamb opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, "Come!" Then another horse came out, a fiery red one. Its rider was given power to take peace from the earth and to make men slay each other. To him was given a large sword.""

Anyone know of any wars going on or brewing?

Personal message to World Leaders involved......

Truth is the people of this planet don't want to fight each other.

PS., My Chinese astrology sign is "The Fire Horse"
and I'm not feelin' WAR...

Third Horseman
Third Seal - Famine
Black Horse

""When the Lamb opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a black horse! Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures, saying, "A quart of wheat for a day's wages, and three quarts of barley for a day's wages, and do not damage the oil and the wine!""

Sounds like he's making bread, beer and or pasta... OR taking away the food and it's sources from people thereby causing starvation and famine.

(Just Sayin')

But what the fuck do I know?
Except that I'm getting my family the hell away from and out of  LA before Dec. 2012.

Fourth Horseman
Fourth Seal - Death

 Green or Pale Horse

""When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hell was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth."

Part of me says, "FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!" Then I chill.  I blaze a fatty and I think... Hmmmmmm.

"Hold up!

Homey said "given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth."

So? What 4th of the rock are we talking about?

I mean my heart goes out to that quarter... But I'm not tryin' to be a part of it.  That said, if you live in a major city, you may want to consider taking a long vacation before shit happens and there's no food...  for days.... Think about it.

There's more!!

Fifth Seal
Vision of martyrs 

Let’s go way back in time in 1480 when the Ottomans or the Turks invaded Otranto city. A fleet of 70 to 200 Ottoman ships arrived in Otranto and the locals and garrison took shelter at the Castle of Otranto. It was captured by the Ottomans and the garrison was killed by the troops of Mohammed II.

What happened next? Those who refused to convert were slain, 800 of them, taken to the hill of Minerva, the Hill of the Martyrs, and beheaded.

So to honour these locals, who gave their lives to protect their faith, the cathedral preserved the skulls and bones of 800 martyrs behind glass of the altar walls, so it constantly reminds people of the past. Every year during that period on August 14th, this small town of Otranto commemorates the slaughtered souls.

Sixth Seal
Cosmic disturbances:
The sun turns black, moon turns blood red; sealing of the 144,000

And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;

16: And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:

I'm no historical or religious interpreter but....
This motherfucker just said 
"Hide your asses!"

Check out: Solar Flares, Polar Shifting and their effects... Oh yeah, look for planetary alignment and go deep.

"For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand"

Don't want to get caught out in a storm?
Consider this...

Check the links... Underground homes, pretty cool...

And last but not least...
 Que the horns!!

Seventh Seal
Prelude To The 7 Trumpets of 7 Angels &The Final Judgement 

This is when we (or that unlucky quarter of the population) get judged for our sins.

Interesting fact people:
If you are born... you will die. 

Apocalypse or not.

I suggest that we as humans start enjoying the life we have.

So there it is.

Good luck.
The Bad Man

Once again....
Planet Earth!!! Last Call!!
You ain’t gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell outta here!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I don't remember a thing...

Transient Global Amnesia
“I don't know what the hell you're talking about”

By Mayo Clinic Staff
Translated By The Bad Man

Disclaimer: This is in no way to belittle serious memory issues such as Parkinson's or Alzheimer's

Transient global amnesia is a sudden, temporary episode of memory loss that can't be attributed to a more common neurological condition, such as epilepsy or stroke.

Excuse me?


During an episode of transient global amnesia, your recall of recent events simply vanishes, so you can't remember where you are or how you got there. You may also draw a blank when asked to remember things that happened a day, a month or even a year ago.

With transient global amnesia, you do remember who you are, and recognize the people you know well, but that doesn't make your memory loss any less disturbing.

Not disturbed at all! 
Please continue.

Fortunately, transient global amnesia is rare, seemingly harmless and unlikely to happen again. Episodes are usually short-lived, and afterward your memory is fine.

So you’re telling me,
I’m just gonna forget shit and be cool with it?

Short lived episodes = may happen a couple of times…

Stop fucking with me.  
This is not an illness.



Transient global amnesia is identified by its main symptom, which is the inability to lay down new memories and to recall the recent past.  Doctors base a diagnosis of transient global amnesia on the following signs and symptoms:

Sudden onset of memory loss, verified by a witness

AKA: The Homie

Retention of personal identity despite memory loss –

“I know who I am, BUT WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”

Normal cognition (ability to recognize and name familiar objects and follow simple directions, for example)

Let’s see, that’s a paddle.
That’s the lube.
Those are latex sheets.
That is 8lbs of Silly-Puddy.
And these are Magnums.

Absence of signs indicating damage to a particular area of the brain (limb paralysis, involuntary movement or impaired word recognition, for example)

Is this the part where I say I feel fine?

Duration of no more than 24 hours

Duly noted… THIS IS A 24HR HALL-PASS

Gradual return of memory

“Last thing remember was….” 
You mean I actually get to say that?

No evidence of seizures during the period of amnesia


No history of active epilepsy or recent head injury

A “one-time only” occurrence?
The new “First Offence” plea…

These signs and symptoms sometimes accompany memory loss in transient global amnesia:

Chills or flushing
Fear of dying
Pins-and-needles sensation
Cold hands and feet
Powerful expression of emotion
Chest or neck pain
Visual disturbance
Racing heartbeat

What? That's a great fucking night's morning hangover!

Episodes of transient global amnesia last only six hours, on average, and there is no lasting damage. When an episode is over, you remember nothing that happened while your memory was impaired, and you might not recall several hours beforehand.

Otherwise, though, your memory is fine.

This is a one time deal…

You need to plan for this one.

It’s got to be special!

Make it a Night to remember.
Then forget about it.

Rules 1 & 2 definitely apply!
Rule #3 - you won't remember any way.

Have some fun with this one,
The Bad Man

Monday, June 11, 2012

Bad Man 101

I live life by a very simple set of rules.  

Welcome to Bad Man 101.

You already know rules 1,2 and 3.  But, I’ll reiterate.
Do your dirt by your lonely.
Keep your mouth shut.
Always look good leaving.

Here are some other rules, add them where you want,
just understand these are very important and must be adhered to
 ... if you want to get ahead in this life.

Rule - Never reveal 100% of anything, to anyone… Ever.
It’s good for people to know that you’re a mover and a shaker.
But it’s none of their goddamn business what you’re moving
… or why you’re shaking.
Learn to speak between the lines.

Rule - Your word is your bond… Always.
If you say you’re going to do something, then you best fucking do it.
Otherwise you are as cheap as your talk.

Rule – A wrong decision is better than no decision.
Simply put.  Stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.

Rule – Work harder than everyone else.
Not just for the money, but to get the experience faster than the next guy.
One day, you’ll be the leader.
It would be nice of you to know what the hell you’re doing.

Rule – You are worth as much as you can ask for with a straight face.
Try it in a mirror.  Ask for a million dollars.
Practice until you can ask without laughing at yourself.
When the time comes, you’ll be able to ask a price for your services
… and you’ll get it.

Rule - Never forgive betrayal. 

Rule – It is OK to knowingly lie, 
to preserve the innocents of a child.
Yes, Santa is real.
Yes, The Tooth Fairy put that there…
No. I’ve never been to jail.

Learn these rules well; one day there will be a test… And won’t be from me.

Good Luck.
The Bad Man

Monday, May 28, 2012

Presenting... ChickieX

One of the reasons I love Twitter.... You get to meet people that you would have never otherwise, gotten to know.  Case in point, my friend ChickieX!  I love it when she goes off on a tangent and just has to rant... See, ChickieX speaks a lot of truth.  I mean truth that most men don't hear from a woman and truth that most women don't want to be told...  The following is just a taste...

(The following is a Twitter time line... that means you have to read it from the bottom up...)

Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
Women r BEGGING for it. Like a child who's constantly looking for the limit, women have been acting out for a while now.

Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
Remove your balls from your heauxs purse, & MAN THE FUCK UP.
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
@AskTheBadMan Yep. Man up. That's what I'm saying
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
But they don't. Damn u, men! Take the pussy off the pedestal! (or pedal stool, whatever u like)
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
Saying Ur attitude sucks & u being jealous of me living life is not okay. Change or I'm out.
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
Do I really mean "discipline" like some little girl & some controlling dude? No. Don't b stupid. I mean a dude standing up & saying No heaux
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
Am I going to get angry feminist tweets?
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
If men would discipline their bitches, it'd be a different world.
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
That is industry standard isn't it? All women r expected to do this weird "I'm jealous so I'm correcting u" thing. And dudes r taking it!
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
I don't claim those those heaux's.
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
I'm pissed @ those bitches b/c men will b forced to think that all women r fucked up & half retarded.
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
I have beef w/chicks who look @ their man fucked up if he mentions anything regarding other women. Like he's a eunuch & always has been.
Chickie XChickie X ‏@ChickieX
What kind of would-be criminals r we raising in this country? Down right shameful.