Monday, March 26, 2012

Bro Code: Revisited...

For Those of you who don’t know, The Bro Code is not only something that should be considered, unspoken gospel between guys, Fraternity Brothers, young men and or single older men, it is… (Wait for it) … A book.

Yes, a book.

Published on October 14th, 2008 by Fireside Publishing, it is paperback, 208 pages in length, the isbn# is 143911000X (isbn13: 9781439110003) and the Description goes as follows:

“Everyone's life is governed by an internal code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. But Bros in the know call this holy grail: the Bro Code. Historically, a spoken tradition passed from one generation to the next, the official code of conduct for Bros appears here in its published form for the first time ever. By upholding the tenets of this sacred and legendary document, any dude can learn to achieve Bro-dom.”

It is by Barney Stinson

Yes. That Barney Stinson…

AKA Neil Patrick Harris of “How I Met Your Mother” fame. You can catch this show weekly on your local CBS network.

Before I go any further, let me just say; I am a fan of this book and of the television show. The show being a guilty pleasure, the book being a much needed guide for you young men. (I'm not saying it's right, but at least it's a start.)

That said, I must offer amendments to the book of "Bro Codes".

These amendments are for those of us who are either married or over forty. Why you ask? Easy. If you are married there are some Bro Codes that simply no longer apply and if you're over fourty and still follow the Bro Codes, Dude, you really need to figure your shit out.  For instance,

Article 1: Bros before Hoes…

The Bad Man thinks like this, “Once you’re married, it’s wifey first”. Otherwise you have screwed up your marriage right off the bat. (See my blogs re: Jesse James & Tiger Woods)

Single Bad Men, if you are over 40 and still follow this rule, then you are most likely in prison because you have no real life. (Of course there are the rare exceptions... Monks, martial arts masters and George Clooney)

There are 150 articles (rules) in the Bro Code. I will only amend the ones that apply to married men and those of us over 40 years of age. And being that there are 150, I will only do 10 at a time. The reason being that the attention span of any Bad Man will not allow anything over 10 of anything unless it is money… With money involved, The Bad Man becomes infinitely limitless.

Article 1: Bro's before Ho's
(Not to repeat myself, but this must be repeated…)

Married men, it’s wifey first. Otherwise you have screwed up your marriage right off the bat and you are a dumbass.

-If you are single and over 40 and still follow this rule, then you are most likely in prison because you have no real life. (Of course there are the rare exceptions... Monks, martial arts masters and George Clooney)

Article 2: A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are doing it.

Married men, if your associates (your Bros) are doing something stupid, you must immediately leave and get the details another time over drinks at the nearest dive bar.
And, while you are allowed to live vicariously through your associates, you cannot wish it were you.

-If you are single and over 40 and your comrade’s (boys) are doing something stupid, you are only entitled watch and in some cases work the video camera.
Physical contact equates to you being a “Dirty Old Man”, being guilty and in certain situations the unwanted presents of leftover DNA evidence. Don't trip.

Article 3: If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown

No Doubt. Just plain true.

Article 4: A Bro never divulges the Bro Code to a woman. It is a scared document not to be shared with chicks for any not even that reason.  Done and done.

When pressured to give up the info, just smile and keep your trap shut! The penalty is loosing your Bro card and forever being recognized as a "Douche". Just nut up and shut up.

(Note from book not The Bad Man)
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is-a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe, or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. * ps. Those boots are adorable…

*Psst - guys I put this in really small type at the bottom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above note -the Bro Code is definitely NOT a piece of fiction. I was simply lying to uphold this very article.

Article 5: Whether he cares about sports or not… A Bro cares about sports.

Bad Men don’t hang with anyone who doesn’t care about sports. The amendment would be that you don’t either. If someone thinks ESPN is knowing shit before shit happens, you must abort the acquaintance. Stat.

Article 6: A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room

Agreed. Lollygagging makes things award for all and only leads to you being the brunt of lil’ dick jokes. Not lollygagging means you know, “ It’s not the wand, it’s the magician”… Even if you do have “a lil’ dick.”

Article 7: A Bro never admits he can't drive stick. Even after an accident.

Please, for the sake of all men everywhere, also know how to change a tire and jump start your ride.

Article 8: A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

What are those?

Article 9: Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimmee three!" or "Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball". Its still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls...metaphorically speaking of course.

Bad Men will never act like assholes. We will, however, defend those less fortunate by putting our foot up in one when necessary.

Article 10. A bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his bro dump a chick. It’s normal for a bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to hook up with her friends. This is when a bro most needs his bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful or even time- consuming. How to dump a chick in 6 words or less...

- “Maybe try a side salad instead." 

- “Cute!! You ‘re growing a moustache too!!" 

- “She looks like a younger you!!" 

- “I will finance a boob job." 

- “Sorry I threw your shoes out." 

- “Your sister let me do that!!"

Bad Men will completely be there to aid in “Bad Relationship Jail Breaks”.
And will use lines like:

“Your last chick was hotter.”
“You get what you settle for.”
And looking her over once, just say, “Really?"

To name a few things that one may want to add to the short list of things to say that will inspire a quick parting of ways...

That does it for Bro Code Amendments 1-10. The rest will follow in due time. Till then...

Good luck,

The Bad Man.

No comments:

Post a Comment