Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Bad Man’s return letter to: Christina Hendricks,in response to: A Letter to Men

I do not speak on behalf of Boys, Guys, or Fellas.  I speak on behalf of the grown ass man.

“Yeah Baby… But…”

The Bad Man’s
return letter to:
Christina Hendricks
in response to:

 A Letter to Men

We love your body. If we're in love with you, we love your body. Your potbelly, everything.
Damn Baby.  Thank you.   We love your body too.  And yes we love you… more than we know how to say.  You’re man isn’t judging you.  It’s just smarter if we keep our mouths shut.  
And the smelling… Don’t tease me with a good time.  Fuck that, tease me…  Your Man is down for any sexy type activity that involves his body and your nose.  I will have you fiendin’ for Fabreeze.
Say , Yes we can.”
We remember forever. What’d you say?
We also remember everything... Huh?
Never complain about our friends — even if we do. No matter how many times we say a friend of ours is driving us crazy, you are not to pile on.
Why would we?  You’re gonna do that enough for the both of us.  Honestly, I want a deal.  You don’t talk about them and I won’t talk about them. 
You keep that nose thing going, I’m sure we’ll find better things to do with our time…  
Your Man is not here to argue with you, 
Remember what we like.  I promise to work on that.  
I will put alarms in my calendar.  Scratch the date on the back of something important, or make sure shit happens on a national holiday!  But you should gently remind me… and pretty often.  That’s just real.
We want you to order Scotch. Done & Done.  And Cheers.  Your Man loves that his woman is at the bar with him.  And Baby, you’re always sexy.  Why don’t you believe me when I tell you?
Stand up, open a door.  Should you find yourself thinking that, then, that is not, Your Man…  
Rogue.  Adolescent.  Male lion.  One day, maybe, but not yet the King of the Beast? 
But ask nicely, and Rogue’s will do anything… Just ask nicely.  Rogues learn pretty fast.
No shorts that go below the knee. What like the 80’s? Really?  I really gotta pass on that..
Also, no tank tops. In public at least. A tank top is underwear. You're walking around in your underwear. Too much.
But I thought you loved my body?  
No man should be on Facebook.No one should be on face book. 
If you’re worried about what you’re doing, that I shouldn’t know about.  Either don’t do it, or move on.  
This is not rocket science.
You don't know this, but when we come back from a date, we feel awkward about that transition from our cute outfit into sexy lingerie.  Just ask me to step away…  
Your Man will gladly watch sportscenter and sip a “Black Label”, two rocks, a splash of water… in a bucket and wait.  
When you’re ready, come get me.  Hell, let me do the nose thing to you.
Panties is a wonderful word. When did you stop saying "panties"? It's sexy. It's girlie. It's naughty. Say it more.
Forgive me.  You got it.
About ogling: The men who look, they really look.  
Same deal as Stand up, open a door. Rogue.  Adolescent.  Male lion.  Not your MAN..
There are better words than beautiful. Radiant, for instance. It's an underused word. It's a very special word. "You are radiant." Thank you @krizbell Also, enchanting, smoldering, intoxicating, charming, fetching.
And thanks to @krizbell on Twitter I am learning more words
Your Man did not grow up using those kinda words… That shit is a foreign language.  if you could, set the tone for me, that would help me help you.  I’m not a professor, a literary agent, or the next Easy Reader.  But I will try.     
Marriage changes very little. The only things that will get a married man laid that won't get a single man laid are adultery and whores.  And Money. And Divorce.  And I didn’t marry you to divorce you.
Intelligence and humor (and your smell) are what get you laid. That's what got you laid when you were single. That's what gets you laid when you're married. Everything still works in marriage: especially intelligence and humor. Because the sexiest thing is to know you.  Truth?  After a few years?  
If someone thinks they’re getting apple pie every day for the rest of their life, it’s because they are.  Let’s try to remember the other things we can make with apples… And the nose thing.

With Love, 
The Bad Man

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