Shit I Say to My Son

“Dad, How do I get to call my friend on the phone?” His voice was different, maybe because his friend is a girl. In my head I could hear a packed house at the Staples Center scream all at once, “WHAT THE FUCK!”. “And then I can call her at her house?” he says, “For real life.” This was a serious question. I could tell because he wasn’t smiling, he looked like he was planning a bank job.

Unbeknownst to my son, he was Asking The Bad Man. So this is for you son. You’ve made me proud!  I turn to look back at my little man. All strapped up in his car seat. (Just the cutest little “Hannibal Lector” ever.) I think to myself, “He’s 4. He’s ready.”

“Son,” I say then pause dramatically. “… She should ask her parents if it’s ok that you call first.” This is when I knew I was Old School. “OK, ready?”

“Ready.” He says back.

“Well Son, there are three steps to getting a girls phone number.”

How to get the girls number so you can call her at home.

The First Step is really the hardest.

You have to be cool. You’re going to have to get to know her a little bit… Can’t just run up on a girl and say “gimme your phone number, I wanna call you at home.” You have to get to know something about her, that way you know you have something to talk about. So be super cool, never rush the first part…

If you start to think that you might not want call her, then you have to say bye, just be nice when you do. That way you always look good leaving. But, if you find that you do have something to talk bout, you’ll know it and so will she. Next step.

The Second Step is tricky.

It’s so tricky that it takes a really long time to get it right. (He’ll have this mastered by 6 and a half.)

You have to get the digits.
What ever you do, don’t say any of these…

“Did you fart? Because you blew me away.”
“Are you a magnet cuz I'm attracted to you.”?
“Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for
Christmas.”
“Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?”
“Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.”
“Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.”
“I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.”
“Let's make like a fabric softener and snuggle.”

This is what you say but you’ve got to be looking at her when you say it. Always try to look a girl in her eyes when you ask for her number.

So you’re looking her in the eyes right? And smiling too, right? Now, you’re on her mind, in a good way… Just say,

“Hey, I really want to talk to you some more. Can I call you?”

What’s so tricky about that? Nothing. Most guys just can’t do it.

She’s going to say “yes”. Trust me.


The Third Step is the hardest.

Remember this part? “If you have something to talk bout, you’ll know it and so will she.”?
Well, now that you have the number, you have to make the call.

So what do you say? Start with, “Hi”.